Written by Kiana Gonzales
I’ve never been anything other than big my entire life. I don’t know anything else. I don’t know how to live any other way. Until recently, I used to see a problem with that. Trying to fight who I was naturally stressed me out. I realized that if I really wanted to lose weight, I would have done it. If I want something and I’m determined to have it, I will have it. I didn’t have a problem with the way I looked until someone brought it up and made me feel like I needed to have a problem. I get treated differently because of my body—that’s the problem. If I didn’t get treated differently, then there would be no issue. It’s so black and white. I’ve been really made fun of, criticized, and bashed about it, or been praised and put on a pedestal. I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum.
Working at LOFT during the launch of their plus-size collection was a turning point for me. I’d heard about theCURVYcon through my job, and I had only been working there for maybe five months before I begged my manager to let me go. I’d never been in an environment with people who looked like me my entire life—not in school or at work. I went to theCURVYcon and I met all these amazing women. I just really fell in love with body positivity and acceptance. I used to bash myself every day, but being around so many amazing women who empower you and lift you up makes it easier to keep your own self-esteem up.
At theCURVYcon, I was imagining: “What if I get signed? What if I get discovered?” Two weeks later, I’m ringing people up at work. We’re taking 40% off the entire store. It’s packed. Then this woman—Rosaliz Jimenez, Dia&Co’s Fashion and Photo Director—comes up to me and says, “Have you ever heard of Dia&Co?” I’m like, “Yeah, I’m wearing their jeans.” She says, “No way! Here’s my card. We’re doing a shoot. I’m not crazy, I promise.” And it just clicked. It felt like everything was starting to fall into place. It made me feel like I was normal.
For once, I was in the spotlight. And it was for a good reason—women loving themselves and wearing nice jeans.
Modeling in the photo shoot pushed me out from my comfort zone and helped me find the confidence I didn’t know I had. I had never really thought of modeling before. It was so fun feeling normal and regular. Feeling like I’m included. For once, I was in the spotlight. And it was for a good reason. It’s not like, “Here’s what you would look like if you ate all that food.” It’s not a bad comparison. It’s just women loving themselves and wearing nice jeans.
I’m not that rare. I always thought that I couldn’t be the only one who looked like I do. My whole entire life I thought, “Why does there have to be a plus-size section? Why do we have to be banished to the basement?” We’re 67% of women. Why do we still get treated so differently? I don’t like the categorization. Why do you have to put a label on me? That’s why I don’t label myself either, even sexual orientation-wise. I’m just Kiana. In my dreams, I don’t have a size. I don’t see anyone’s size. I don’t like feeling like I’m being pushed into a lane, or that I have limitations. I want to be beautiful because you find me beautiful, whether that be physically, mentally, or emotionally. I don’t want to be beautiful just because “big is beautiful.”
Not only has my relationship to my body changed since finding this community, but so has my relationship to fashion. I used to wear the same outfits every day, but now I know I need to amp it up. I’m going to be 20. I’m trying to move out of my parents’ house and get my life together. I can’t be wearing sweats, a shirt, and moccasins my entire life. Technically, yes, I can, but what’s the fun in that? Now I’m much more open to trying new things. I look at a shirt and if I like it, I wear it. I can have a nice pair of jeans. It’s my choice of clothing, from styles to patterns to wearing more colors. I had never tucked my shirt in before—I did that for the first time at the shoot. Next up is getting back to wearing dresses. I actually just purged my room because I want to live this minimalist lifestyle. I had so many items in my drawer that were for when I lost weight. It’s like holding onto garbage, because, obviously, I’m not going to wear them again. That was also something that was holding me back. Having clothes I love is like a weight off my shoulders.
Inspired by Kiana to be part of a body-positive community? Request to join the Dia&Co National Community Facebook group today!
